The week before Justin started the series on Song of Solomon, he came home and began to share and discuss some of the verses with me. There is no denying the passion that Solomon and Shulamite have for each other. As I listened to the passionate conversation go on between them, I thought to myself, “sure she has passion, she is a young woman without any kids.” Honestly for most women, we are failing in having that passion for our husband, especially in the bedroom. It is so interesting and amazing how God has made men and women so unique and so different from each other. For most women, sex is hardly on our radar, while for most men, it is constantly on their’s. In chapter 5:1, we read, “I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride; I have gathered my myrrh along with my balsam. I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey; I have drunk my wine and my milk. Eat, friends; Drink and enjoy deeply, O lovers.” This verse follows what is more than likely a review of their honeymoon night together in chapter four. It is a chapter filled with strong images detailing their love and physical enjoyment of one another. The statement, “Eat, friends; Drink and enjoy deeply, O Lovers”, is thought by most theologians to be the voice of the Lord. Sex between a husband and wife is a gift to be enjoyed in marriage.
Recently, I had the privilege of attending a conference recently and one of the speakers spoke on this subject. It was very eye opening and was much easier to hear because it came from a woman. So I would like to pass on this information that Kathy Ferguson Litton passed on to us. I pray that it will ignite some thought for all of us ladies.
Ten Questions that May Help Your Sex Life
1. Who has the power? Whoever wants sex the least tends to have the most power in bed, because he or she possesses the absolute power of denial.
2. Want to learn a little science about sex? Oxytocin is the “relational bonding” chemical more predominant in women than in men. Women normally have oxytocin levels 10 times higher than men. Yet there is one particular instance where men’s match women’s-following a sexual encounter. This from a recent study, “one of the primary reasons that men want sex more than women (on average) is because it feels so good to them to have high oxytocin. It feels great to be bonded with someone, so in male biochemistry, sex is the quickest way for a man to bond to a woman.”
3. Would you be bold enough to ask the shocking question? “Am I good in bed?” Do you act thoughtfully, creatively or passionately in bed? Have you stopped making an effort? Have you become lazy or careless? Are you good in bed?
4. Did you know that when your man feels good about his sex life he feels more adequate in all areas of his life? He might be great in the boardroom but if he feels his wife does not desire him, inadequacy will spill over into other areas of his life. Sex is the clearest language he knows and it speaks volumes to the whole of him.
5. Do you realize that your husband is probably more sexually insecure than you are? “Everyday a man walks into a world that says, essentially, “Prove yourself. Prove that as a man you have something worthwhile to offer.” A man is evaluated, measured and stacked up against the next guy all day long. The big question in his mind, conscious or not, is whether he is man enough. Does he have what it takes to win the contract, win the woman, win the war? Sex is not the only route to affirmation but it is surely the quickest. Sex means more to a man because indeed he hears in it a message about himself. When a man is turned down in his overture for sexual intimacy, it feels more personal than seems reasonable. When he is denied- he feels like he is being rejected.”
6. How much fun are you to be with? Pure and simple…have you lost the fun factor?
7. Can you communicate in order for him to know you? How comfortable are you in coaching your husband in bed? Pointers, non-verbal signals? Use the sandwich principle; Compliment-instruction-compliment.
8. Are you working as hard to understand his physical needs in intimacy as much as you want him to work on understanding your emotional needs? Consider the hurt you feel when he ignores or overlooks your emotional needs in intimacy? He feels the same way when you minimize his.
9. Do you need to get help/counseling?
10. Do you initiate? You should.
These are 10 very hard and personal questions. But we as women should love our husbands and strive to meet his needs. When we were married, the two became one flesh. We wouldn’t neglect brushing our teeth everyday, so why would we neglect our husband in the area of sexual intimacy. My prayer is that as we read these questions, we would ask God to speak to our hearts and help us to love our husbands selflessly.